Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie (1987)
dir. Rod Amateau,
a “movie” in the same way that a flaming garbage heap is a “sculpture.” Based on the popular 1980s trading cards that were a gross-out parody of the cute and cuddly Cabbage Patch Kids phenomenon, this film is a bewildering, fart-propelled journey that’s somehow far more horrifying than the cards themselves. The Garbage Pail Kids began as a brilliant satire in the mid-80s, created by Topps and artists like the Pulitzer Prize-winning Art Spiegelman (yes, the Maus guy), lampooning the cherubic Cabbage Patch dolls that had become a marketing juggernaut earlier in the decade. And while the cards had a wickedly mischievous humor, this film… does not.
The movie starts with an orchestra of whimsical nonsense—no melody, just musical flourishes that promise magic, only to deliver madness. The credits roll endlessly over the first ten minutes (like the film needed that much of a head start), proudly displayed on faux trading cards that might as well have said “You’re going to regret this.”
We’re dropped into a plot involving a kid named Dodger, who’s being bullied by full-grown adults that look like they just left a Poison concert. Tangerine, a grown woman with the personality of a glue stick, is both his crush and tormentor—she sells knockoff clothes outside a dance club while manipulating this poor kid like a femme-fatale with no coherent motivation. Speaking of club scenes: the music is so off it sounds like its been made by one of the Garbage Pail Kids parody bands: Juan Direction, Fall Out Boyd or Bruno Martian. Actually, any of those would made better tracks.
Then come the Garbage Pail Kids themselves—imagine Gremlins but they can talk, even if they cannot move their mouths. They’re a creepy gallery of rigid puppet faces: Messy Tessie with her endless boogers, Ali Gator who really wants to eat people (and might be in the wrong movie), and a fart-factory of other mutants whose greatest ambition seems to be… farting. The kids “help” Dodger woo Tangerine by making him clothes she can sell outside a night club, even though their tiny T-Rex hands can’t even grab a button.
Scenes flail around with no logic: biker bars, random fights, sudden musical numbers with the haunting mantra “We can do anything by working with each other,” and at least seven farts—this movie counts its farts like it’s keeping score. The climactic rescue involves bikers smashing into the Home for the Ugly (a warehouse with human-sized dog cages, because why not?), and Captain Manzini—an antique shop wizard whose only real magic is making you question why you’re still watching—finally learns the “spell” to put the Kids back in their trash can. Of course, the spell is played backwards on a piano with zero physical accuracy, like they just reversed the audio for kicks.
Perhaps the weirdest, most uncomfortable undercurrent of Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie is the truly bizarre sexual tension between adult Tangerine and the clearly underage Dodger. Tangerine, decked out in fishnets and off-the-shoulder sweatshirts like she’s on her way to a Flashdance audition, keeps stringing Dodger along with flirty finger-twirls and suggestive ear-nibbles that would make even Howard the Duck fans cringe. It’s an odd echo of that film’s human/duck romance, except here it’s played completely straight—like nobody on set realized how icky it all was. The kid nearly faints when she strips to her bra to sell the shirt off her own back at the club! In a supposed “kids’ movie,” this adult-child pseudo-romance is so far out of left field it’s practically from another ballpark. It’s one of the many reasons why this film feels like it was made by people who’d never met an actual child… or watched an actual children’s movie.
Adding insult to injury, there was actually a Garbage Pail Kids cartoon that aired in the late 1980s which, while still grotesque, was leagues ahead of this abomination. The show captured the anarchic spirit of the cards far better than the film, which feels like it was directed by someone pulling plot ideas out of a hat while suffering from severe dehydration.
By the end, Dodger rejects Tangerine’s fake apologies and the credits roll with a Garbage Pail Kids theme song that sounds like it’s mocking you for making it this far. And no, they don’t end it with a fart—somehow, they missed that final, obvious blow.
Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie was directed by Rod Amateau, a journeyman filmmaker whose credits include everything from 1950s TV sitcoms (The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis) to the 1983 teen sex farce The Senior Trip. This film, unfortunately, represents the tail end of his career—and it shows. Produced by Topps’ licensing execs hoping to cash in on the trading card craze, the movie was cobbled together like a bad arts and crafts project with a budget that probably could’ve been better spent buying everyone involved a nice dinner and not making this film.
The screenplay—if you can call it that—was credited to Amateau himself and Linda Palmer, and it’s a testament to the dangers of letting the marketing department write your movie. The cinematography was handled by Harvey Genkins, whose only other credit of note is your own beloved SIlent Night, Deadly Night 2! The movie’s garish score is credited to Michael Lloyd, who was probably better known for producing pop hits in the ‘70s and ‘80s, but here he was tasked with cranking out whimsical, synth-laden fluff that sounds like a Casio keyboard possessed by evil spirits. The cast of Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie is an oddball group that would probably rather this film not appear on their resumes. Mackenzie Astin, son of John Astin (the original Gomez Addams) and Patty Duke as well as brother of Mikey from The Goonies, Sean Astin, stars as Dodger, the hapless kid caught up in the madness. While he’s had a decent career in TV and film since, you won’t find him reminiscing about this movie in interviews—probably because the less said, the better.
Anthony Newley, a British singer, songwriter, and actor known for co-writing “Feeling Good” and starring in Broadway’s Stop the World – I Want to Get Off, plays Captain Manzini. Newley had a career that spanned pop music, stage, and film, but this movie was a baffling footnote in his otherwise illustrious life—proof that even seasoned pros can get sucked into the trash heap. I haven’t found any direct quotes from Newley about the film, but the stony silence from his estate suggests it’s best left forgotten.
Katie Barberi plays Tangerine, the adult femme-fatale-in-training who manipulates Dodger’s affections. Barberi’s gone on to do extensive work in Latin American telenovelas and has had a prolific acting career—another reminder that talent can survive even the worst of cinematic crimes. The rest of the bullies and biker bar patrons are mostly no-names or career stunt actors, though the thuggish Juice was played by Ron MacLachlan, a bit player whose biggest credit was probably just surviving this script.
The Garbage Pail Kids themselves were portrayed by a cast of little people in elaborate, claustrophobic costumes. This includes Phil Fondacaro (Messy Tessie) who’s had a notable genre career, including roles in Willow and Return of the Jedi as an Ewok. Fondacaro’s career is evidence that real talent can still shine—no matter how many booger jokes are involved.
Bottom Five Bullies:
5. Pixels (2015)
My number five is Eddie Plant from 2015’s Pixels—the self-named “Fire Blaster,” played by Peter Dinklage with a swaggering, mullet-wearing bravado that’s more funny than fearsome. Let’s be real, this movie is very, very stupid, but under the surprisingly deft direction of Chris Columbus—whose resume is wildly underrated, by the way—Pixels zips along with just enough dumb fun to keep your brain switched off and your popcorn hand moving. Eddie’s biggest crime? Cheating at Donkey Kong and acting like he’s still the king of the world. It’s a goofy, shallow kind of bully performance—perfectly in line with a movie that’s happy to be exactly what it is: a neon-lit arcade nostalgia trip, no quarters required. As a bully, he’s more of a joystick jockey than an actual threat—but hey, at least he’s got that mullet locked in tight.
4. Real Genius (1985)
My number four is Kent from 1985’s Real Genius, the ultimate boot-licker who plays his humiliations like a middle manager stuck in high school. Robert Prescott’s performance as Kent is hilariously weaselly—his idea of being a bully is playing a recording of a fifteen-year-old genius asking his mom if he can come home, only for her to reveal she’s already rented out his room. It’s a low blow that’s more petty than punchy. Kent mostly exists to lick the boots of his egotistical professor, the hilariously ego-centric Prfessor Hathaway played to perfection by “Ghostbusters” Walter Peck himself, William Atherton. Kent’s entire raison d’être seems to be sycophantic power plays that fall apart the minute someone—anyone—stands up to him. Fun fact: Robert Prescott’s finest hour might still be playing Cole in Bachelor Party, because at least there he didn’t have to fake being a bully to a teenager. And look, I know I talk too much about this movie—I should probably ban myself from mentioning it again—but Real Genius is just too good to ignore. It’s a brilliant, hilarious film, and if Kent is its weakest link, that’s saying something about how strong the whole chain is.
3. Weird Science (1985)
My number three is Chet Donnelly from 1985’s Weird Science—Bill Paxton’s hilariously over-the-top big brother who’s more likely to rat you out than rough you up. Chet’s big move? Extorting beer money and threatening to tattle to Mom and Dad on his brother, Wyatt and his best friend, Garret—seriously, that’s his whole game. But while he’s a weaksauce bully, he’s also part of what makes Weird Science such an endlessly watchable slice of 80s absurdity – as if creating a woman from magazine clippings via computer wasn’t enough. This is another movie I love a little too much and talk way, way too much about—like Real Genius, it’s in danger of permanent residence in the “Hall of Lame” just because I never shut up about it. Still, Paxton’s smarmy performance here is a highlight in a film that’s already bursting with goofy, imaginative fun, even if the character of Chet is absurdly dumb all around as he is little more than a wet blanket in military camo. He’s all bluster and no bite and Paxton would go on to play another version of this same character in Aliens as the ever-whining Hudson, who forever needs to “secure that shit.”
2. Edward Scissorhands (1990)
My number two is Jim from 1990’s Edward Scissorhands, a character that’s more rich kid entitlement than real menace, but that’s a bully type that really needs to be on any list like this, especially since one now lives in the White House. Played by Anthony Michael Hall – who is in back-to-back movies on my list but in the last one was Gary, a wiry nerd. Here he is Jim, who is all puffed-up chest but no real threat. Hall’s transformation from geek to jock never quite convinces. Still, he manages to be a total asshole for the frame-job he pulls on Edward and then the gun he pulls on him later on. Jim’s a situational bully, seizing every opportunity to pin shit on Edward, but he’s an impotent incel of a douche as far as bullies go. And that’s fine, because Edward Scissorhands itself is an absolute gem, regardless. It’s Tim Burton’s best film in my book—whimsical and sad, it also represents some of the best work ever done by regular Burton collaborator, Danny Elfman. I love the sound of this movie as much as the rich, colorful visuals – so much so I use this to test my surround sound set-ups every time I have to recalibrate. Jim’s a doofus, but the movie around him is nothing short of magic.
1. A Monster Calls (2016)
My number one is a little different from the rest of my list because it’s torment that’s so psychologically advanced, that it needs to be discussed. It’s Harry from 2016’s A Monster Calls—who’s less a fearsome schoolyard tyrant and more a reminder that sometimes the worst bullies are the ones who know exactly how to twist the knife. In the movie, he’s the ringleader of the tween terror squad that includes Anton and Sully, all of them punching and jeering at Conor, a boy already drowning in grief over his mother’s advancing cancer. Played by James Melville, Harry starts out as the typical young bully, hurling punches and jeers at Conor, played with so much heart by Lewis McDougall, who’s already drowning in grief. But the real gut-punch? When Harry realizes Conor actually wants to be bullied, because it’s the only normal thing left in his life—and Harry STOPS, because he knows denying that twisted comfort is the worst thing he can do. It’s a moment of pure, haunting cruelty in a movie that’s one of the few I’ve given a near-perfect five-star rating in the last decade. A Monster Calls is visually magnificent and emotionally devastating—a film I love, full stop, even if Harry’s brand of meanness is the biggest monster on screen.
Extra: Hocus Pocus (1993)
And let’s not forget your favorite movie, Mike: Hocus Pocus which features the inept pair of Ice and Jay, Salem’s most fashion-forward bullies. With their denim vests, big hair, and apparent fear of authority figures, these two clowns are more than just 90s clichés—they’re basically walk-on commercials for Hot Topic circa 1993. Played by Larry Bagby and Tobias Jelinek, they’re the kind of bullies who steal your shoes for the sake of it and then spend the rest of the movie getting stuck in cages. In the grand tradition of teen movie goons, Ice and Jay prove that style does not equal substance—or any actual threat.