Special Halloween Episode!
The Beyond:
Main Points worth covering:
Released in 1993, it is the 9nth movie in the Friday the 13th franchise and it was directed by a first-time director named Adam Marcus, who was – at the time – the youngest director ever hired by New Line Cinema.
Wait wait… New Line? Isn’t Friday the 13th a Paramount franchise? Why yes! It is… but they licensed the character of Jason Voorhees to New Line Cinema via producer (and original Friday the 13th director) Sean Cunningham so he could come up with a way to bring Freddy Kreuger, of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, together with Jason. Cunningham and New Line had rights to use Jason, but NOTHING ELSE, the inverse of the Paramount rights which were all about usage of the name of “Friday the 13th,” which was owned by original series co-producer Frank Mancuso. That resulted in the 1987-1990 supernatural mystery tv show “Friday the 13: The Series,” about two cousins who inherit their uncle’s mystical antique shop and have to track down every cursed item sold from there because of a deal their uncle, Vendredi – french for Friday – made with the devil. Right? Right.
I liked the show, by the way, and it was SUPER weird to see actor John D. Lemay in this movie as the impossibly annoying “Steven Freeman” after he played the male cousin, Ryan Dallion, on “Friday the 13th: The Series.” Like, why would they do that? They’re unrelated characters. Did the producers think they could “cash in” on fans of the show recognizing the actor? We may never know.
So, all that aside, how’s the movie? Well, it’s a mess, but a pretty interesting mess. I recall seeing it in 1993 and thinking it was crap, but this revisit as a more mature, discerning movie fan reveals it as “interesting crap.” I think Adam Marcus had some really good ideas, and those as well as his directing chops were very evident in “Jason Goes to Hell’s” fantastic first ten minutes where a young woman, played by the gorgeous actress/stuntwoman Julie Michaels of “Road House” and “Point Break,” is alone in a cabin showering when she’s suddenly attacked by Jason. The entire sequence is played as cliche as can be, but each shot is wonderfully composed and despite our knowing what’s going to happen, a good deal of suspense is built. This all pays off in one of the funniest, and most insane moments of the entire franchise when it’s revealed the whole situation was a trap set for Jason: the woman is a FBI agent and when she leads Jason to a clearing, a SWAT-team-like platoon of well-armed agents blast the ever-loving shit out of the villain, literally blowing him to pieces. Madness, and a cool set-up for a very different kind of Jason movie… were Marcus actually given control to make the movie he wanted.
The rest of the movie isn’t nearly as fun as the opening promises. It’s essentially a re-heat of Jack Sholder’s 1987 alien body-swap movie “The Hidden,” but with Jason’s evil spirit inhabiting host victims instead of an alien slug. After Jason is blown up, the coroner sorting through his body parts, played by super-recognizable “that guy” Richard Gant – who has been in every damn TV show ever, as well as movies like “Norbit” and “The Big Lebowski” – is compelled to eat Jason’s heart! Soon after, he is possessed by Jason and goes on a rampage. There’s lots of nonsense about Jason’s last remaining relatives being both the only way to stop him AND, by their elimination, the only way he can exist eternally, but it’s all an excuse to have him kill more teenagers that are fucking in the woods.
And yeah, there’s a good amount of that – in particular one scene where a naked girl is split right down the middle while climaxing in flagrante delicto! It’s both surprisingly violent and funny, and along with the opening and Steven Williams – Captain Fuller from 21 Jump Street! – as a bounty hunter named Creighton Duke, makes this otherwise dumbass picture worthy of a watch. Seriously, what is Steven Williams doing in this? Apparently there was a whole backstory that was cut from the movie that would have provided a reason for his character to have an obsession with Jason, but instead, it’s just pure nonsense… which is ok because I’d probably watch Steven Williams eat Corn Flakes for an hour. And here he gets to say “500 grand. You get the mask, the machete, the whole damn thing.”
The biggest takeaway from this rewatch is that “Jason Goes to Hell” could have been a contender. Adam Marcus wanted to solve the number one issue I have with almost every one of these slasher franchises: how the Hell does the villain keep coming back to life after being killed again and again in preceding movies. His solution – similar to what happened with Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives, wherein Jason is reanimated by a lightning strike – is go supernatural. And what’s more, Marcus wanted to tie in another franchise: The Evil Dead.
I honestly think this is smart, but while there are a few nods to Jason 9 existing in the same universe as The Necronomicon – as it and the mystical dagger from the early Evil Dead movies are present – it’s largely buried by the noise and bluster of Jason switching bodies throughout. This is a neat concept, one that allows for Jason to exist on the spiritual plane, but it’s also sloppy because Jason isn’t the hulking, hockey-masked murderer. In fact, at one point he becomes Erin Fucking Gray! So the movie becomes another “The Friday the 13th movie where Jason isn’t the killer,” like parts 1 and 5, only this time, most of the movie he doesn’t even look like himself, unless he’s caught in a mirror(?!) Seriously, it makes no sense.
Based on most accounts, Adam Marcus wasn’t given creative control and saw a lot of the movie taken away from him by producer Sean Cunningham. Rumors abound too that Cunningham actually had to direct quite a bit of the movie, reshooting nearly half in part because Marcus was removed from the set after an argument with lead actress Kari Keegan over a shower scene.
Of course the most memorable thing about this movie is its last shot. After Jason is swallowed by light and pulled into Hell, all that’s left of him on Earth is his iconic mask lying on the dusty ground. Suddenly, a familiar laugh cackles over the soundtrack and out of the ground pops the Freddy Krueger Knife-glove setting up a Freddy Vs. Jason movie that this was originally supposed to be, but instead set the table for. Personally, I wish like Hell that we got more Evil Dead cross-over, although I have to admit to liking most of what I remember about Freddy Vs. Jason.
Observations:
- Right from the start – great music and some really good sound!
- Nice split diopter lightbulb burning out shot!
- Medicine cabinet fakeouts!
- Kane Hodder doing a cameo out of makeup as a guard and his partner is none other than Tony Ervolina, who is most definitely not Oscar Isaac but is definitely Oscar Isaac if you believe in time travel because Oscar would have been 14 years old and this dude is like 30. Fucking crazy. We have to get a father-son thing happening as this is madness.
- Like the Inside Edition tabloid journalism show angle. This was the 90’s , kids. But wow, it goes on too long. American Casefile. Lol
- Jason steps on the condom! Symbolism!
- Who the fuck is Crieghton Duke and why does he know all this shit? Screenwriters in the 80’s and 90’s were fucking nuts. Payment through breaking fingers to prove you are strong enough for the inane exposition? Check. Bizarre logic about family being the only threat to Jason?
- Kane Hodder doing a cameo out of makeup as a guard and his partner is none other than Tony Ervolina, who is most definitely not Oscar Isaac but is definitely Oscar Isaac if you believe in time travel because Oscar would have been 14 years old and this dude is like 30. Fucking crazy. We have to get a father-son thing happening as this is madness.
- Like the Inside Edition tabloid journalism show angle. This was the 90’s , kids. But wow, it goes on too long. American Casefile. Lol
- Steven Williams is chewing ALL the scenery as the bounty hunter. Good lord. Creighton Duke.
- 500 grand. You get the mask, the machete, the whole damn thing.
- Entrepreneurial diner owner is great. Hockey mask burgers!
- I like the way this is shot and edited! Great shot reverse shot in diner.
- Diana? Is she from a previous installment?!
- Jessica? And who is this guy with the glasses?! Total toolsville.
- Is the guy driving the car the same guy as the diner and the same as the coroner?
- Why is this hot girl flirting with this idiot?
- Oldschool horror nudity. Gotta love it. These movies do not disappoint.
- Richard Gant is actually Jason?!? This is a possession movie?!? Fucking nuts.
- How many movies are not Jason as the killer? Friday 1,3,9? Weird math afoot.
- Jason steps on the condom! Symbolism!
- The kill with the girl riding the guy is straight up expert level practical effects and cutting. Amazing.
- Erin Gray, who I have had a crush on since I was about 8 years old watching Buck Rogers is positively terrible here as Diana. But yeah, still pretty. I met her about ten years later – still super foxy.
- Even the cops are horny! This town must have something excellent in its drinking water.
- What in the holy bondage is going on with the cop Gant captures?!?!? Shaving?!?! This is nuts!
- Oh my Christ. Transference!
- Is the cop even the same actor when possessed!? Why did he shave him?! Jason in mirror!
- Handy pistol to take out the possessed cop!
- Nice scan up Erin Grey’s legs.
- Jason is a demon snake now?!?
- Erin Grey getting killed was a big surprise! And the idiot with the glasses lives?!? The fuck?
- Why is Steve wearing this idiotic varsity jacket?! Shorthand for man-child.
- Who the fuck is Crieghton Duke and why does he know all this shit. Screenwriters in the 80’s and 90’s were fucking nuts. Payment through breaking fingers to prove you are strong enough for the inane exposition? Check. Bizarre logic about family being the only threat to Jason?
- About halfway through this is starting to feel less like a Friday the 13th movie and more like Peyton Place. All these small town shenanigans and bonding.
- Um that js 100% the fucking Necrobomicon designed by Tom Sullivan for the Evil Dead!!! Did New Line angle for a franchise three way?!?
- Bro, of course the Young Morton Downey is the ducking real villain here. Imagine calling your mom and saying I have a new girlfriend and it’s Nancy Grace!
- Oh man, post possession of Jason turns you in the Robocop toxic waste guy! Wild. You just… melt!
- This movie loves looking at ladies and I am ok with it.
- Great the way Jessica beats the crap out of Stephen to get back to the police. Nice twist!
- This movie really seems to lose filmmaking prowess the further you get into it. The action is stilted and goofy, with logic bordering on nonsensical.
- Some evil dead raimi camerawork.
- Man, Warren was like the one good guy!
- So much slow motion. That is what I remembered. All the blue lighting and sooooo much slow motion in the diner.
- Rebar javelin throw to two-way impalement! Wow! That’s some Shit. With the “Go to hell” line to boot.
- Why does Creighton Duke no longer care about money?
- Magic sword! Jesus, this is nuts…
- Now it’s The Thing! Like, suddenly Jason can talk and act human! Maybe his most impressive power yet!
- Raman noodle neck! It turns into the tequila worm monster from Poltergeist II!
- And it.. goes into a lady’s vagina. Holy crap. That is some insane shit. I always wanted to get into Erin Grey’s pants, but wow… not like this!
- And he is reborn in full form! This is absolutely fucking insanity.
- Music too goes downhill the further into the film you get. Sounds like a temp score by the end.
- I like how they progressively go through sillier and sillier yard sections. First it’s the garden with the rake, then it is a jungle gym.
- The hands of Hell! Why the fuck is it grabbing Steven too?
- Is the blue light a teleporter to the Enterprise? Is this how Jason ends up in space?!
- Freddy glove. JFC that is so kind of stupid. Funny how it is sort of a nod to Carrie with the zoom in on the mask because the first Friday the 13th stole from Carrie as well.
Bottom Five Franchises:
Leprechaun
(1993 – present)
I have only seen the first two of these, and they were so dumb – as far as overall ideas go for movies, that I’m truly floored it’s all gone on for as long as it has. What’s not to like? For me it’s the lack of any Irish accent, the make-up that makes him look more like a damn gremlin more than anything else, and the fact that he’s constantly joking but NEVER, EVER funny. Like at all. The only things I like about the franchise are from the first movie: Jennifer Aniston’s shorts and the line the hero kid says at the end before killing the Leprechaun: “Fuck you, lucky charms.” Well, and also that it has partially allowed Warwick Davis to live comfortably and get a steady stream of work, because those Star Wars and Harry Potter movies sure didn’t do enough business. Anyhow, the movies center around a murderous Leprechaun named Lubdan Buttowski (Is that an Irish name?!), that will stop at nothing to reclaim his stolen pot of gold which has now been absconded with in NINE GODDAMN FILMS. One of which, of course – and like Jason – was set in OUTER SPACE. And like Jason Vs. Freddy, the Leprechaun movies were set for a “Versus” flick too: at one point there was going to be a Leprechaun Vs. Candyman movie! Thank God for Tony Todd, though! He stopped that shit cold by saying that he has too much respect for his character to do something so demeaning. Yeah, Warwick was originally on board for that plan, but he’s not returned to the series since the 7th installment as he cited being a father to young children made him want to leave the horror genre for a while. How sweet!
Underworld
(2003-2017) This bullshit went 5 films deep – as well as one animated collection of shorts – and all I can say about it is it’s the “Resident Evil” series shot with a blue filter and with a less charismatic female lead. I like Kate Beckinsale and I wanted to like the first movie in this series. But it’s simply awful because its painfully boring, just awfully paced. And while there’s some action to be had, it’s all shot in confuse-o-vision, takes place in way too much shadow and features some pretty crap CGI effects, thus the proceedings are not much fun to watch. Besides, the movies seem FAR more interested in this labyrinthine mythology that pits vampires against werewolves in the most convoluted war this side of the Naboo v. Trade Federation conflict in Phantom Menace. I hated the first two movies of this series, so I cannot speak to the rest, but I cannot imagine them getting any better as the laws are almost always of diminishing returns once you get to the third in any series. Then again, the start of Underworld is so yawn-inducing, that maybe the subsequent entries provided more action and less pontification. Seriously, how do you fuck up Werewolves vs. Vampires? This should have been a blast. Maybe I just like zombies better since I have a soft spot in my heart for Milla Jovovich’s “Resident Evil” flicks, and they’re as brain dead and CGI-wacky as cinema gets.
Witchcraft
(1988-2018)
Usually the key to a franchise is to make money, but somehow the once-longest-running horror franchise – with 18 mostly shot-on-video entries – doesn’t appear to have made enough to pay its actors for the last thirty years. The first “Witchcraft” was a cheeseball low-budget affair that looks like a Whitesnake video sadly absent Tawny Kitaen, who was busy acting in the similarly named and considerably better “Witchboard.” Poor effects, lousy looking sets and with nary a scare in sight, Witchcraft was pure back-of-the-video-store fodder that would have been easily forgotten, were it not to have kicked-off an epic 40-year journey that, for the most part, sticks with a single lead protagonist named Will Spanner who is literally a baby in the first movie. Hilariously, we see Will saved from certain sacrifice by good witches in the first movie hen his original parents give in to the devil’s seductions, then in Part 2 we endure his horny teenage years when he’s seduced by a demonic neighbor. By part 3, he’s in his twenties with a career where he works both as a private detective and a lawyer, but still the forces of evil alternately attempt to either seduce him or his girlfriend, Keli. And so it goes, on and on, with the decline in production value directly proportional to the increase in nudity and laughably-bad sex scenes. I think I have seen maybe four or five of these misfires, and you have to give the producers credit for each sequel’s subtitles pretty much summing things up succintly: Witchboard 2 was subtitled “The Temptress,” Part 3 is “The Kiss of Death,” Part 4, “The Virgin Heart” and on and on with my favorites being part 6’s “The Devil’s Mistress” and part 10’s “Mistress of the Craft.” At a certain point I think they just started making the titles with magnetic poetry. What’s wild is that almost each of these movies spends at least part of its running time ripping off hit movies. So instead of watching any of these knock-off messes, I recommend in order that you watch “Rosemary’s Baby,” “The Graduate,” “Indecent Proposal,” “Blue Velvet,” “The X-Files” and then, past number 6, lterally anything else. Like really. Anything. For Christ’s sake, the last three movies were shot all at once IN NINE FUCKING DAY. So, unless you really love shot-on-video zero-budget garbage with actors who look like they’re uncomfortably doing a friend a favor by writhing around in shockingly unerotic ecstasy, don’t let these witches cast any spells on you.
Amityville
(1979-1983, then… chaos until present day)
This one is personal. The first horror movie I ever saw was the original “Amityville Horror” starring Margot Kidder and James Brolin as George and Kathy Lutz, the real-life couple who moved into a Long Island home where a horrific murder of a family had occurred a year prior. The true story is that the Lutz’s were in way over their head financially with the purchase of the house and so came up with a story about the haunting to profit off their dire situation. It kind of worked, although the book’s publisher and later the movie producers were really the ones who cleaned-up. What’s wild is that, after the original trilogy – part 3 which I reviewed on an episode of this show – there were some dodgy made-for-TV sequels and then things largely went dormant until the Ryan Reynolds reboot in 2005. Then, all of the sudden, ultra-low-budget producers caught wind that while the phrase “The Amityville Horror” was trademarked, the word Amityville could be used, apparently in conjuction with almost anything to make a quick buck. So, the already excessive 9 original Amityville titles were joined, since 2006, by another 32 fucking titles. And because I’m an idiot, yes, I’ve seen a few of these which are the kind of dreck most video stores wouldn’t have ordered even in the halcyon days of affordable VCRs. Crap like “Amityville in Space,” and “Amityville Karen” can be found on Tubi if you’re interested, but I personally recommend slamming your hand in a windowsill or choking on some flies instead of watching a single frame of something called “Amityvilel Gas Chamber.”
Evil Bong
(2006-2022)
There are movies about a bong possessed by a spirit called Eebee that, when you take enough hits from, transports you to The Bong World where strippers seduce you and bite you with their bras made of skulls. Yeah. And then Tommy Chong shows up and tries to destroy the bong. And there’s a weird cameo by Tim Thomerson who reprises his role as Jack Deth from the “Trancers” movies which were also directed, like this, by uber-schlockmeister Charles Band. Yeah, another Bottom Five, another appearance from Charlie Fucking Band, the only guy in cinema that can somehow spin 8 sequels out of one of the dumbest concepts ever. I mean, I could see a world where Evil Bong was a kind of evil genie movie starring Tommy Chong, but this is one of those single-location, no- budget, no-talent quickie pictures Band and his ilk turn around in a weekend. It’s painfully unfunny, not remotely scary and features a cast of unlikeable douchebags that you hope get offed until you realize that what’s doing the offing are characters called Ooga Booga and “The Gingerdead Man,” (a killer cookie who got his own movie a year earlier, voiced by non other than Gary Busey.) This is the kind of garbage that makes it tough to think there’s any point to cinema whatsoever anymore, or if its all been reduced to craven attempts at prying open the wallets of every niche, weird corner of human psychology. And honestly, I wouldn’t mind much if it came from an honest place that catered to weed culture, but instead this plays like a narc’s wet dream about what’s happening at the frat on a Saturday night. Deep six this 420.
Staff Pick Recommended for Halloween:
Pennywise: The Story of It (2021)
Available on Tubi, this low-budget documentary from filmmakers John Campopiano and Chris Griffiths, the makers of several other low-budget docs including the cool “You’re So Cool, Brewster! The Story of Fright Night” is in some ways a better watch than the TV miniseries they’re chronicling. Face it, duh, making King’s 1300 page horror magnum opus for TV was a fool’s errand, and Tommy Lee Wallace, apparently coattail-hanger to John Carpenter – he directed Halloween III, Vampires 2 and was second unit on several of his movies – plus he wrote Amityville II, which might mean nothing to anyone but me.