Sushi Girl (2012)
dir. Kern Saxton
Director Kern Saxton, whose name seems like it could have been on our “Bottom Five Worst Names” list as some kind of jacked-up, rogue space hero, has very few other credits, and what he does have are some short films – Porntourage among them, as you had mentioned – and a few other ‘never-heard-of-it’ titles. He seems to have largely worked as an editor on some under-the-radar flicks, and if we’re to look at his IMDB page as if they were tea leaves, I’d say “Sushi Girl” was the guys big break back in 2012, and the reception of it left him picking up scraps for editing work for the next 10 years before he took the helm (well, as a co-director) for a segment titled “Either/Or” of an anthology called “Tales From the Other Side” which looks like a low-budget “Trick or Treat” rip-off.
Anyhow, all this to say, Kern Saxton probably deserved better than he’s gotten because “Sushi Girl” isn’t a bad movie so much as it is a bland one. If it were a color it’d be beige. If it were a newspaper column, it would be the NASDAQ listings. If it were a food, it’d certainly not be sushi, but rather, oatmeal. Plain oatmeal, without maple brown-sugar or even apple cinnamon.
But the thing is, while it’s bland it isn’t boring. It’s hard to really get across what a weird little flick this is because it defies tidy categorization about why it doesn’t work. It’s fairly capably-made. It has a decent screenplay and the direction, while largely feeling like a one-act play brought to the screen, is largely competent. And the acting? Mike, in your set-up on our last episode, you listed off an insane B-movie/low-A-movie rogues gallery of talent which includes, THE original Candyman, Tony Todd, Noah Hathaway, who plated Atreyu in “The Neverending Story” and Luke Skywalker himself, Mark freaking Hamill. And while, other than Hamill,immediately recognizable names, they do at least earn curiosity.
What’s interesting is you also listed off some other “big” names like Michael Biehn of “Aliens,” “”The Terminator” and my beloved “The Abyss,” the “Lawnmower Man” himself, Jeff Fahey and Danny Trejo who we last saw on this podcast doing a bizarre Native-American dance in “The Crow: Wicked Prayer.” So, give us three somewhat recognizable names and we’re like, “Yeah, ok, that’s neat,” but give us six? At this point, the interest is understandably piqued.
And yet, we’re still not done with the freaking cast-list! Because somehow director Kern Saxton – I will keep saying this man’s name because to me it’s like Snickers, it really satisfies – also managed to get David Dastmalchian (who had yet to break out as the appreciably big name he is now after his turns in “Late Night with the Devil,” “The Suicide Squad” and “Dune Part One”), James Duval (who played the not-Keanu-nor-Skeet-Ulrich part of Miguel, son of Randy Quaid in Independence Day), or, and this is wild, Sonny Chiba (!), the legendary Japanese martial-arts icon who somehow wound up here despite doing the “Kill Bill” movies only a decade or so earlier.
So, most of the discussion could revolve around the cast – for sure – but it’s not for the reasons you think. Because while all of these people are in this movie, and all are directed more-or-less capably and give you more-or-less what you expect from them, almost all with the exception of the first three I mentioned, Tony Todd, Mark Hamill and Noah Hathaway, are barely in this movie. And some of them? We’re talking one-minute of screentime MAX.
For instance, Michael Biehn? He plays a security guard that’s watching a monitor and then goes to investigate a suspicious vehicle in a loading dock alongside fellow guard Danny Trejo who, of course, walks around carrying a machete. Oy.
And who are they guarding? Jeff Fahey who REALLY chews the scenery as a diamond expert who has landed a HUGE score and gets off (borderline sexually) while studying the gems.
All three are onscreen for about two minutes. That’s it. And in some ways, that’s pretty ingenious because it’s almost like what was done with Drew Barrymore during the cold open of Scream. Only this is about thirty minutes or so into this film! So, here are the biggest stars of the movie, with the exception maybe of Hamill and BANG BANG CHOP, they are dispatched moments after they show up. It’s surprising, but also pretty distracting because you could already tell from the look and feel of this flick that it wasn’t necessarily a story-influenced decision to axe these guys so quickly, but rather a budget-influenced decision.
And while the look and feel of the film presided-over by director of photography, Aaron Meister, is acceptable, there’s little he seemed to be able to do with a budget of $750,000 that likely largely went to paying the cast. (Only not Michael Biehn, who apparently did his day of shooting on the film as a favor to one of the produders who was a friend of his.)
Now, none of these guys are the highlights of the film, despite Mark Hamill maybe doing the best work I’ve ever seen him do in front of the camera. While I like the Star Wars movies, Hamill’s performance in the original trilogy wasn’t what I would consider a high point of those movies. Hamill here, though, plays an effeminate, weasily sadist and wow, I was impressed. Yet it wasn’t him, nor was it Tony Todd whose quiet menace felt more posed than threatening. No, the highlight here is the titular character – the Sushi girl – played by actress/model Cortney Palm. For the vast majority of the film, not only is Palm without dialogue – she’s also without CLOTHING!
You see the plot of “Sushi Girl” – bet you didn’t think I was going to get to it, did ya? – is about a meeting of a crew of thieves six years after their diamond heist went tits-up due to a random accident. And this meeting, presided over by Tony Todd’s “Duke,” takes place in a warehouse converted into an Asian theme into which is placed a long table. And placed on that table? The Sushi Girl, a naked woman upon whom sushi has been carefully placed as an added bit of atmosphere for the criminals.
The central premise of the movie takes this cultural food-art experience the Japanese call Nyotaimori – which translated means “body sushi” – and poses a “what if?” What if a woman covered in sushi and told to lie completely still, regardless of what happens around her bears witness to not only confessions of wrong-doing by a gang of nere-do-well’s, but then also must stay statue-still while they start playing out the post-heist violence of “Reservoir Dogs?”
It’s a solid concept, and it scored a lot of points with me because what little we get of Palm’s acting is pretty solid. And well, of course, she’s a total knockout – quite possibly among the most beautiful women ever in a film. Alas, it’s too bad she’s in this film because all the points she gives are taken away by the oddly play-like direction and dialogue, which I believe was shot with multiple cameras based on the number of camera operators involved and how they are credits as working on cameras A-D. That shooting style, multi-camera, is what you see on a lot of sitcoms, and things are often lit in a very flat manner which hurts the film considerably as it wants to be a neo-noir but ends up too placid-looking for any of that. As such, the characters get all riled up and tensions boil over, resulting in torture and death – but all of it lacks any style or weight.
Many have said this is a Tarantino knock-off but that’s a lazy critique because the dialogue isn’t snappy or drenched in pop-culture references. Instead, this is more like 12 Angry Men, but without the compelling direction and setting. Still, I’m more positive than not on this movie and I feel a bit of kinship with writer/director Kern Saxton. He tried hard to do something interesting and different here. Had he more time and money, I think this could have really been something cool. As it is now, it’s a mildly entertaining curio.
Bottom Five Meals:
My first thought was to include 1985’s Re-Animator on this list because, man, that was one gross meal when the decapitated, but still alive head of Dr. Hill (plated by David Gale) went down on the bound and naked Megan, played by the stunningly fetching Barbara Crampton. But then I realized, that while it was positively awful for poor Megan, she was actually the meal in this case, and far be it for me to say Barbara Crampton’s not tasty! So, yeah, I had to go back to the well because, ultimately, I wanted this bottom five not to be situational – or at least not entirely – but rather I wanted whatever was being eaten to be really gross. So that was my approach – really gross meals. Also, I tried like Hell not to do obvious ones, so there might be a few missing from my list that will have to play as honorable mentions if they’re not on your list.
Yes Day (2021)
Dir. Miguel Arteta
In this 2021 family comedy, Jennifer Garner and Edgar Ramirez decide they need to reconnect with their kids and decide to do so by declaring a “Yes Day,” which means they cannot say no to their three children all day long. It’s a cute, largely innocuous comedy that deals in situational comedy like “what happens if the kids say they want to drive the family minivan through a car wash with the windows down?” But about midway through the film, the parents have to grants the kids their wish to eat – for breakfast, no less – the most horrendously audacious and huge ice cream treat this side of a Carvell Ice Cream cake topped with a hot brownie, pixie sticks and two pints of multi-flavor ice cream. Called, The Gutbuster, If the family eats every bite of this cloying sweet slop, they get the whole thing for free, and not one to pay full price – $40! At first the whole family – including oldest daughter Jenna Ortega – participate but soon they’re all repulsed in food comas and Edgar Ramirez’s dad character is the last man standing, eating about six servings of ice cream BY HIMSELF in under ten minutes. As one who is lactose intolerant, this is absolutely a gastronomical nightmare of the highest order. Apparently the dad is in similar straits, as after he takes the last bite he runs to the restroom, like a pin was pulled from a grenade in his stomach. The rule is that you cannot vomit or else you’ll have to pay, but a random patron follows him to the restroom and then proudly re-emerges, announcing “It came out the other end!” Everything about this is positively awful, including all the horrific sounds coming from the bathroom and the fact that someone followed him in to hear it all and report to the entire restaurant a giant shit hath been taken. Awful.
The Gold Rush (1925)
Dir. Charlie Chaplin
While I tried desperately not to go with well-know meals, I couldn’t shy away from including this as it – as of this year – is a 100 year-old cinematic meal that no list of meals can be without: Charlie Chaplin’s Little Tramp and Mack Swain’s Big Jim in 1925’s “The Gold Rush” eating a boiled work boot as if it were a fish filet. De-veined of its shoelaces and with a sole full of pins that look like fishbones, Chaplin gives Swain the top of the shoe which he cautiously eats as if it were the skin. Chaplin himself dines on the hard bottom of the boot, pulling “meat” from the pins. It’s both whimsical and gross, a bit of phantasmagoric pantomime that has become among the most-loved scenes Chaplin ever committed to film. And while all that may be true, and the scene is comedy gold, it’s also two starving men… eating a shoe. And I honestly cannot imagine being so hungry that I’d ever be able to do so. It’s the film Chaplin stated he wanted to be most remembered as making, and honestly, that may well be the case, if for no other reason than this desperate and terrible meal.
The Neverending Story (1984)
Dir. Wolfgang Peterson
I’ve seen this movie at least a dozen times – possibly as much as two dozen times. And EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I see it, I am caught off guard when Bastian’s dad – played by none other than Major Dad himself, Gerald McRaney – prepares himself a tasty, quick breakfast treat of a glass of orange juice blended with… a fucking raw egg. What the shit?!? Every time I see this, I cannot pay attention to whatever the Hell McRaney’s widower is saying to his still-mourning son about getting over his mom’s death because WHY IS HE DRINKING ORANGE JUICE WITH A RAW EGG?!??! While most people are afraid of Gmork, the demon wolf creature or perhaps The Nothing, which represents adulthood and the death of imagination it brings, I am horrified and scarred by dear-old-dad’s breakfast routine and how he DOESN’T EVEN FLINCH while he guns it down like it’s a glass of water. I was always afraid of growing up when I was younger, and I think this dude’s poor man’s Orange Whip is partly why! If adulthood was going to be that grim, who in the ever-loving Christ would want to be older? You can keep your staying up late and driving cars, and you most assuredly can keep your mortifyingly awful protein-filled dose of vitamin C.
Triangle of Sadness (2022)
Dir. Ruben Ostlund
Somehow this one isn’t the grossest on my list, and that’s saying so much… so very, very much. I mentioned this film – and even this dinner scene – when we did our Bottom Five rooms on our The Disappointment Room episode, but damn it, I cannot do this list without mentioning the horror show that is the Captain’s Dinner in 2022’s “Triangle of Sadness.” This is truly one of the most repulsive meal scenes in all of cinema, but despite all the vomiting and shitting and whatever other horrible excretions permeate this scene – thank Christ smell-o-vision didn’t become a thing because I bet director Ruben Ostlund would have gone there – it’s not any of that which truly make it a terrible meal: it’s the fact that the crew was ordered by a rich, entitled passenger to stop whatever it was they were doing and join the hoi-polloi whilst they frolicked the afternoon away in the warm sea. Well, what a lot of those crew members were doing was preparing food for the Captain’s dinner, and despite the warning that the food would spoil, a Russian Oligarch’s wife gets what a Russing Oligarch’s wife wants. Every crew member goes swimming and the prepared meal, while looking lovely, ends up coupling with the raging sea’s waves to render almost every passenger onboard with the worst case of upset stomach this side of the Yes Day Gutbuster. It’s awful, but not as awful the tale of star Charlbi Dean, for whom Triangle of Sadness would prove to be a last screen appearance. Dean was taken ill and died at 32 years old of sepsis shortly before the film was released. Ghastly all around.
Hannibal (2001)
Dir. Ridley Scott
I can think of no other scene that’s as singularly awful and completely insane as the ending dinner scene in 2001’s Hannibal. An inferior sequel in almost every way to its predecessor, The Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal did have one horrifically memorable ace up its sleeve: the moment when Clarice wakes up after being abducted and drugged by Lecter and finds herself in an incredibly low-cut dress at a dinner table where sitting, at the head of the table, is an apparently also very drugged Paul Krendler, played by Ray Liotta. Now, Krendler is a sleezy Justice Department official who tried to leverage his influence to save Starling’s career after she ran a botched drug raid that lost five… oh? Right. I guess I was just trying to avoid the describing the scene in this movie when Anthony Hopkins’s Hannibal Lecter skips the fava beans and chianti and replaces liver with Krendler’s brains. And then, after usig a scalple to remove, well, Krendler’s scap, he trims out a piece of the man’s brain and literally cooks it up DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF Liotta’s sleepy-eyed villain before FEEDING IT TO HIM. HE FEEDS A DUDE HIS OWN BRAIN. So, yeah, this one – with a bullet – right at the top of my list, without a doubt. When I saw this in the theater, I honestly had no idea what to do with myself or this film. Some people say when things go too far that the writers or producers “Jumped the Shark.” But for me, it’ll forever be this moment I think of when something ridiculous and completely outrageous happens that sends a narrative into uncharted beserker mode and I’ll call it “Eating Krendler.” Because not only have the moviemakers lost their minds, they’ve fried them as well.
Honorable Mentions: A Christmas Story – Christmas Turkey – “It’s looking at me.” Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom – “Bugs and Monkey brains”