Red One (2024)
This is a movie that would probably be easy to hate, if not for Chris Evans’s terrible accent alone. Or The Rock’s character name. Is there any worse name in cinema than Callum Drift?
I didn’t hate this one. In fact, I quite liked it. I think Jake Kasden is pretty good overall, and I’ve liked several of the films. He’s been involved with, including the two newest Jumanji films with Dwayne Johnson – can we still call him The Rock and frequent collaborator Jack Black. Having cut his teeth working with Judd Apatow on the now-legendary TV series “Freaks and Geeks,” Kasden has had a few solid directorial efforts outside his Rock collaborations, including Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox story and his first film The Zero Effect starring Ben Stiller and Bill Pullman.
His movies often are the type where you have to shut off your brain in order to enjoy them. And I think That Red One is definitely one of those movies. You could go into this movie with a bad attitude thinking about how it’s another commercial take on the Santa Claus mythology, and how it might be part of The Rock’s recent redemption arc that includes Moana 2, after the mess of Black Adam. But I saw it as a genuine fun story by people who loved Christmas, and also wanted to explain a little bit as to how Santa Claus could do everything that he does every year.
One of the great challenges of being a parent, is explaining to your kids how you don’t know how Santa does any of the things that he does! It’s Christmas magic and that’s really all we can say about it because no one knows the truth. We know he apparently lives at the north pole, but no satellites ever pick him up and there’s no Intel about where he stationed. And then, of course there’s the incredible, impossible task, of visiting billions of households over the span of one night. And to be honest, I think red one does about the best possible job that any movie could do to explain this kind of magic. Because not only is it magic, it also involves lots and lots and lots of people who are part of a secret organization called MORA (the Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority) that oversees a lot more magic than just St. Nick!
So I felt that the secret organization here was actually pretty clever. And I like that they were in cahoots with Santa and his whole operation which exists in this force field protected impossible to find secret layer within the north pole. It had to be hidden, but then again you would need allies in order to keep it hidden. And that sort of opens up the whole story in a different way and allows you to include some cool jokes like the one that involved the headless Horseman. Because they are all these possible villains from mythology and legend That could be part of this story.
Does it all work? No. There are times when credibility is stretched way too far, and for me that’s usually due to a performance. In this case, I just felt Lucy Lou was really miscast. In fact, so was Chris Evans. I really didn’t understand Why he was the way he was, just having a simple flashback to him being a jerk, chubby kid, really didn’t explain anything about him. So I just found that his character in general fell flat, as did Lucy lose, since she didn’t seem really all that invested in what was happening. Much better was the relationship between Dwayne Johnson and JK Simmons. I really liked their chemistry, and the way they had their characters work together. So where the movie really fails for me is that it spends a lot of time with Chris Evans and his rather jerky pathetic dad character. And once again, we’re treated to one of your favorite genres, Mike, a movie where you have Dad’s learning to be better dad’s through some sort of questionable magic. It’s pretty surprising just how many movies there are like this.
And hilariously, this movie also commits another Mike Merrigan, sin by including a anthropomorphous animal, that can talk. And that would be agent Garcia, the polar bear. I’m sure that probably drove you nuts!
Is it a great movie? No I don’t necessarily think so. But is it very good, entertaining and not a total waste of time for me to spend with my family out at the cinema? Yes it’s a great flick for that purpose. I don’t think this will be a holiday. Classic, it’s action leanings are far too present. It’s hard to really have a heart when there’s so much adrenaline pumping. Even when JK Simmons is playing Santa Claus! It all just comes off as to adrenaline filled and macho. That said, I laughed quite a bit and had a good time at the movies. And at the end of the day, that’s really all I’m looking to have, it’s a good time. I think Jake Kasden is particularly good at this sort of work, perhaps because he is the son of a guy who made a lot of entertaining movies: Lawrence Casden. So this guy’s dad was one of the writers on Raiders of the lost Ark, chief Rider on the Empire strikes back, and the writer, Director of the big chill, body heat, and Silverado. This could seem some serious Nepo, baby action! And yet, there does seem to be some level of real talent that’s been passed on, as Jake Kasdan’s brother, Jonathan Kasdan is also a filmmaker and was most notably a writer on the Willow sequel series that was on Disney+.
Bottom Five Secret Organizations.
This was clearly a hard bottom five there’s no question about it. And I struggled mightily. But what I came up with was that there are secret organizations and then there are secret organizations that are only known by their adversaries. So me you, Christina Applegate whomever we’re not gonna know about a group that somehow doing something crazy in the Middle East in MMI five is going after them. That is a secret organization. We simply wouldn’t know anything about. So those were open season for me. They had to be revealed as a secret organization, but they’re not so secret that no one knows about them. Frequently, it’s the protagonist that are working against the secret organization.
5.) The X-Files: Fight the Future (1998)
The Syndicate
Dir. Chris Carter
Series creator Chris Carter took the X-Files to the big screen in 1998, and had box office success, despite the fact that the movie dwelled considerably into the mythology that was created over five seasons of the television show. And that mythology? It involved one of the most labyrinthine plots imaginable, all of it due to a secret organization usually referred to as The Syndicate. Basically, this is another one of those Illuminati-style organizations that is almost entirely comprised of old white men who may or may not have the best intentions to save either human kind, or themselves. Yeah. If that sounds confusing, wait to you get to the various agents and shadow enforcers who do all the dirty work – you never know who to trust (hint, it’s no one) – and by the time you get to the midway point of the movie, you’re ready to throw the alien baby out with the black oil bathwater… or something. You’re the funny one, not me. I’m just a super-huge fan of the X-Files who has to admit that, while the movie is awesome, it’s nigh impenetrable from a conspiracy point of view. And if you tire quickly of old men confusingly condescending to everyone about a global plot to allow humans to take us over for some sort of undefined gain, then this one isn’t for you. So it’s here at my number five because of how immensely obtuse the whole damn thing is, and how after a while, this movie and the shows couldn’t satisfyingly conclude it’s mythology involving The Syndicate, instead choosing to do a “monster of the week” storyline for its second big-screen endeavor.
4.) SPECTRE
James Bond Lore, but we can pick You Only Live Twice (1967), since Donald Pleasance played Blofeld in it and the organization’s stated purpose was no less than “world domination”
You gotta be kidding me. An organization with primarily one leader that involves members from – checks notes – The Italian Mafia, the Soviet counter-intelligence agency, SMERSH, the security force of Yugoslavia called OZNA, a Turklish heroin smuggling operation called KRYSTAL – spelled with a K like my sister’s name – and, of course, former members of the Nazi Gestapo. There’s more, but you get the point: a big alliance of bad guys who, typically, ally with no one, which makes this secret organization of horrible villains a completely foolish conceit of fiction. And the biggest problem is as I mentioned up front: one leader! Ernst Stavros Blofeld, a criminal mastermind Hell-bent to dominate the world and 100% the inspiration for the Villain in Austin Powers, Dr. Evil. Now, what’s impressive about Blofeld is who has played him: Donald Pleasance, Telly Savalas, Max Von Sydow and Christoph Waltz! Has there ever been a villain that’s been played by a better series of actors? And yet, Blofeld is a blowhard. He’s somehow this insanely smart intel expert who played both sides in WWII, commodified his good standing with both Allied and Axis powers, moved to South America and started SPECTRE, the Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, terrorism, revenge and Extortion which is both a mouthful and an insanely forced acronym. The thing I never understood about any of the secret organizations run by a big bad is why do so many henchman sign up? Is it like the Fire Department where 10 days out of every 100 you might have to do some work, but otherwise shit is cake? Maybe, but these dudes all run into bullets like they’re made of chocolate. And the whole premise of a world domineering organization just seems preposterous to me. Maybe I’m too myopic, but SPECTRE will forever seem more a cliche to me than a threat.
3.) Resident Evil
Dir. Paul Thomas “PT” Anderson
The Secret Group within the Umbrella Corporation that knew about the stupidly named “The Hive” located in Raccoon City, which may be the dumbest city name I’ve come across in film. And why did they accidentally unleash a zombie-creating T-Virus into the world? Why were they developing it? Because the founder of this mega-conglomerate wanted to save his daughter from a rare disease. So, kill many people ruthlessly to save one, then accidentally kill the planet? Yeah, that’s a terrible secret organization made most dangerous by the front it wears creating products that are apparently in 9 out of 10 homes in developed nations. I could probably do a whole show on the follies and leaps in logic when it comes to the Umbrella corporation’s secret operations, but it’ll suffice to say at root is both avarice and self-preservation with an end result that’s world ending. I know that’s likely not too far off from reality, and what does it say about us as a race when a movie by Paul PT Anderson is proving to be just cynical enough about the 1% that it’s now prophetic?
2.) The Nude Bomb (1980)
Dir. Clive Donner
KAOS, an incredibly dumb organization created from the show Get Smart starring Don Adams as clumsy agent (and Inspector Gadget inspiration) Maxwell Smart. Yes, Adams was the original voice for the Inspector Gadget cartoon too and I think MAD, the criminal organization in the Gadget series and movies could have made this list. But in the Nude Bomb, KAOS – which isn’t an acronym but is still spelled in all-caps – actually undergoes an idiotic name change to PITS which is an acronym (Provisional Intelligence Tactical Service) and now it sets its sites on extorting the entire globe by… threatening to make everyone naked by detonating bombs that vaporize clothing. You heard right: they’re blackmailing the planet so people won’t reveal their bodies. And what’s more, if the ransom of $10 Billion a month isn’t paid and everyone is now naked – no, I don’t know why they cannot just get dressed again – the absence of cloths will be offset by clothing created Norman Saint-Sauvage, the KAOS/PITS fashion designer. So yeah, a secret super-villain organization that decides the best course of action for world domination is making the world naked? That’s definitely a bottom five secret organization, especially because if you’ve ever been to a New Hampshire water park in July, you already have experienced the full horror of nudity.
Fun fact, friend of the show Dane Elcar has a direct connection to this flick: his dad, Dana Elcar played Maxwell Smart’s chief in this flick!
1.) Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2023)
Dir. Gil Keenan
A secret society lead by a certified wacko surgeon who performed unnecessary operations on people and felt society was too sick to continue on? There are so many red flags here it puts China to shame. Ivo Shandor was a total nutjob, but somehow – despite the obvious crazy that was on display from him – he managed to dupe wealthy benefactors and about 1000 followers into 1) mining selenium in rural Oklahoma and 2) building a giant antenna of sorts in downtown New York City that could either track pulsars in space or open an interdimensional gateway allowing a world-destroying demi-God access to more marshmallow than anyone thought could exist. Again, I have to ask – why join this society? Clearly this mother fucker is deranged? And it looks like there’s no upshot here for the underlings who apparently are either donating huge amounts of money, working in an Oklahoma mine or building a high-rise in Manhattan. What’s the incentive? Maybe eternal life? I don’t know I’d want to be a part of a world ruled by some moldy Babylonian God. Or Sumarian. Or whatever. This sounds like a total no-win to me, and it’s proven out in Gil Keenan’s strangely scary installment of the Ghostbusters franchise where a reanimated Ivo Shandor, played by Red One’s Santa, JK Simmons, greets Gozer and… is promptly RIPPED IN HALF AT THE WAIST! Like, that’s the fucking leader here, people. What’s he gonna do to all y’all plebs? Bad deal.