From Justin to Kelly
Notes:
I’m not sure if there’s ever been a movie that was made for more commercial reasons than this. Like, not even 80’s movies based on kids’ toys are quite this vapid. For those not in the know, Kelly Clarkson – multiplatinum recording artist and talk show host – got her start by winning the very first season of American Idol in 2002. She did this by beating out a guy named Justin Guarini who most certainly didn’t go on to be a multiplatinum recording artist nor a talk show host. Somewhere in the multiverse, Guarini gives the world “Stronger” while Clarkson ends up starring in a series of rapidly-closing Broadway Musicals. Maybe in that alternate reality, this movie they were contractually obligated to make because they won American Idol would have been a box office, award-winning smash. But in OUR universe, “From Justin to Kelly” is a shockingly juvenile cash-grab that backfired so hard that it cancelled a whole slate of planned 20th Century Fox/American Idol releases. “From Rueben to Clay,” ye were a dream too precious.
IMDB gives you this really dumb summary which makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I’m the only person ever to actually watch this movie, outside of the filmmakers who kind of had to watch it… I think? Anyhow, the capsule summary is “A waitress from Texas and a college student from Pennsylvania meet during spring break in Fort Lauderdale, Florida and come together through their shared love of singing.”
That last part, “through their love of shared singing” is what’s wrong, because this is a musical and no one acknowledges here that they’re singing. I mean, yep, Clarkson plays a sort-of singer as when we first meet her, she’s singing at the empty bar she’s working at as waitress. But that’s all we really get about her “love of singing.” No, what brings these two together is… SOMETHING. No, seriously, that’s how Justin describes their shared interest. He says, “SOMETHING’S HAPPENING BETWEEN US AND YOU FEEL IT TOO.” And oh God, these two share a moment in a poorly shot and choreographed opening segment and then… chase one another around for the rest of the movie because they sort of vibed. This despite the fact they have next to no chemistry and their characters have nothing in common. Oh yeah, and Kelly’s good friend Alexa tries AT EVERY TURN to undermine the budding romance because JEALOUSY, but we’ll get to that later.
As I said, Kelly’s a small-town Texas waitress who, I guess, is looking for Mr. Right but who in no way wants to find him in Ft. Lauderdale during Spring Break. But, she ends up there when her two best girlfriends, Kaya, the smart one and Alexa, the party-girl, coerce her to join them on their big week out of whatever Hell Hole it is they live in. Honestly, I don’t know why Kelly protests as there’s nothing happening back home other than some local yokel named Luke wanting to get with her despite being friend-zoned twenty times.
Meanwhile, already in Ft. Lauderdale are college students Justin and Brandon, who somehow have a business throwing whipped-cream bikini contests and other assorted parties. Joining them is their nerdy friend Eddie, who in no way seems like someone these two would hang out with – and they don’t seem his brand of company either. We know he’s a nerd because he wears glasses and, upon arriving at their hotel, laments about not being able to access the internet because they only have a rotary phone. Also? Eddie is there to meet a woman he met, no lie, via CYBER CHAT that he hopes to have a nice, long steady relationship with, in contrast to Justin and Brandon who appear to want to dip their wicks anywhere they can.
Somewhere in here was a title sequence with all the cast and crew names appearing on freeway signs, luggage and various beach paraphernalia like towels, umbrellas and life rings. ALL SET TO A HORRID COVER OF THE GO-GO’S vacation. Oh! Clearly we’re in for whimsy!
Back to the beach there’s a bunch of bullshit set-up and then, out of nowhere, everyone starts singing. I guess I knew this was YET ANOTHER FUCKING MUSICAL you threw at me, but the sudden switch from dialog to singing doesn’t seem organic at all: it just kind of happens and then everyone is dancing in a poorly shot and choreographed beach-blanket-fucko segment. I wouldn’t have minded this, to be honest. I do like dance sequences in movie – think that great ballroom dance sequence in 1941 or even the dance contest in Grease, but it was like the filmmakers didn’t have enough dancers to teach the moves to. So what you end up with is 15 people who are dancing in sync to a well-choreographed number and then… random people bopping all around who look like they cannot even find the beat. It’s painfully annoying because it’s SO CLOSE to being competent, but isn’t. And what’s worse it that it is here, by chance, that Justin and Kelly meet for the first time, dance together and then… go on their merry ways separately.
This threw me for a loop. I’m like, ok, the movie is called From Justin to Kelly and here we get them meeting and… NOTHING. No spark. No interest. Nada. I couldn’t decide if it was a brilliant subversion of expectations or if it was inept.
Turns out it was inept. Maybe I missed something, but after the sequence, Justin starts talking about Kelly to Brandon and Eddie while Kelly starts showing interest by talking about Justin to Kaya and Alexa. Kaya’s all, GO FOR IT GIRL. Alexa, however is IMMEDIATELY against Kelly liking him. Because REASONS.
Moments later, we’re in an other beach party sequence where Justin dreamily searches the crowd for Kelly while singing and then Kelly too starts singing while searching for him. And honestly? While I didn’t like the song, I sort of enjoyed the way the music and shouting of the party fade down and then Guarini and Clarkson’s voices duet, as both clearly have some serious pipes. It was a neat moment and the rare bit of interesting filmmaking in this patience-tester.
After hijinks involving Justin handing out bracelets to one of these big parties he and Brandon are throwing, Justin and Kelly actually, you know, talk and from here on we fall into a fairly contrived romantic “comedy” where she gives him his number, he loses it, then Alexa gives him her own number instead of Kelly’s and so he calls her and leaves text messages, but gets bitchy replies. And then Kelly runs into him doing immature shit, and she thinks he’s a tool, but he convinces her to give him a chance and she does, so she falls a little more for him, but then Alexa does something else uber-bitchy and now Justin thinks Kelly hates him and BARF. It’s all recycled horseshittery, with an occasional Justin Timberlake-rejected track pumping over the soundtrack and various subplots like Kaya getting with a low-salaried bus boy named Carlos who takes her salsa dancing and Brandon continuously getting fined for doing stupid shit on the beach by a sexy police-woman.
Somewhere along the way, we get a hovercraft race between Justin and Luke, the friend-zoned cowboy from back home. It’s not really a race, so much as a weird competition where they have to sink balls into baskets on each others’ fucking hovercrafts. I mention this not because it was sort of cool – because honestly, it looked like fun – but because when Luke re-enters the picture, he says the single best line in the entire movie upon meeting Justin: “Why don’t you back off, Sideshow Bob?”
All of this, of course, winds up with everyone getting what they want. Nerdy Eddie finally meets his nerdy-but-smokeshow cybergirl. Carlos forgives Kaya despite her getting him fired from his job. Alexa gets her come-uppance, sort of, but then is still partying at the end. Brandon ends up with the police-lady and, yeah, Justin and Kelly end up with one another despite still having no chemistry. Everyone sings a shitty song and dances a shitty dance and then it ends and you’re left with nothing but regret for how you spent the last 90 minutes.
To be honest, Gaurini can certainly act as well as sing. I made light of it earlier, but he’s had a good career on the stage. And Clarkson, while most certainly able to sing, does a decent enough job with her role despite it being written by what I can only guess is a room full of monkeys with typewriters. Rumor is that she didn’t want to do the movie and begged the American Idol producers to let her bail out of the production because she felt it should go to a real actress who might want to do a movie. At times, she does appear checked out, but I couldn’t tell if that was because she did not want to be there or because she had no idea what the Hell to do with her character, who, to be truthful, is startlingly bland. This is kind of a Bella-from-Twilight situation in which you’ve got to wonder why Justin gets hung up on THIS girl. I mean, Clarkson was a bit of a baddie at the time for sure, but still. And Alexa’s whole arc lies on the extraordinary nature of Kelly to… just be Kelly, like it’s some kind of badge of courage. It’s all magnificently stupid.
And we have screenwriter Kim Fuller and director Robert Iscrove to blame for all of it. Fuller, it will come as no surprise, was also the writer of 1997’s “Spiceworld,” which, I’m sure, will be covered here at some point by one or the other of us. And Iscrove, who also has worked as a choreographer, should have known how to shoot the dance scenes better. Everyone here could dance and sing – and with Travis Payne, an award-winning choreographer who has worked with Salt-n-Pepa, En Vogue and Michael Jackson – doing the choreography, there’s simply no excuse for how frustrating the dance sequences are to watch.
Like “Bratz,” this thing is capably made. The cinematography by Francis Kenny, who did Scary Movie, is crisp, the sound editing is largely OK. But the overall foolishness of the thing – it’s like a Goddamn 80’s movie, but made twenty years later and afraid to be exploitative. Which is hilarious, because movies like “Harbodies,” “Last Resort” and “Blame it on Rio” were not watched for their storylines. Here we get that kind of a flick, but with no edge, unfunny gags, some lame music and two leads who look like they want to be anywhere other than on the beach in front of these cameras and saying these lines.
Bottom Five Parties
I have talked too much about too many movies that have had terrible parties in them – think “Weird Science” with the post-apocalyptic bikers that show up or the dinner party in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” when Grandpa sucks on Sally’s finger. And never mind the birthday party in “Smile” which landed on my bottom five presents AND my bottom five birthdays! So, I approached this list with a specific rule: not to mention any movies I’ve previously mentioned! And that made it… tough.
5.) Neighbors (1981)
Dir. John G. Avildsen
I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a movie as weird or uncomfortable as John G. Avildsen’s 1981 “comedy” Neighbors in which Dan Akyroyd and John Belushi essentially play against type by switching roles, with Belushi playing a nebbish family man named Earl and Akyroyd playing Earl’s new neighbor, the loud and unpredictable Vic. Earl and his bored wife, Enid, as well as their teenage daughter, Elaine all live on a quiet cul de sac somewhere in suburban New Jersey, which becomes decidedly less quiet when Vic and his wife, Ramona move in next door. Earl, seeing that Ramona is rather attractive – she’s played by a positively STUNNING Cathy Moriarty in her prime – decides to invite the couple over for a dinner party and, well, from there things just… get… WEIRD. There’s flirting, poorly homemade Italian food that was supposed to be takeout, a car that ends up in a swamp, edible underwear, a fist-fight quicksand, a pimp wagon, a dog getting electrocuted and much, much more. I’ve seen this one a few times over the years, and it’s wild thinking it’s from the same director who did “Rocky” and “The Karate Kid,” but he’s also the same guy who did “Rocky V” and “The Karate Kid Part III,” so I guess there’s some precedent for subpar work. That said, I’m not even sure this is sub-par. It’s an almost hallucinatory flick, comprised of dream logic and over-the-top performances that somehow works despite what’s been reported to be a very volatile set where Akyroyd and Belushi tried multiple times to have Avildsen fired, and writer Larry Gelbart accusing Akyroyd of being a scab for rewriting his script during the 1981 writer’s guild strike. Crazy shit. And oh, does it ever show onscreen.
4.) Coherence (2013)
Dir. James Ward Byrkit
It’s a little unfortunate that this file isn’t better known. Another dinner party that goes horrifically wrong, much in the vein of the more known, but similarly small in scale Karyn Kusama film, “The Invitation,” “Coherence” is a twisty, award-winning sci-fi flick that ratchets up the tension and suspense as it goes deeper into revealing its mystery. Paranoid and, well, verging on incoherence, the film is centered around several friends who assemble the evening a comet is passing the Earth. While together, the power goes out, cell phone service dies and a box filled with numbered photos of each of them is discovered on the doorstep. As they strive to figure out who left the photos, they also become acutely aware that they’re being watched. Hoping to learn more about what’s going on outside, they send two of their party out to the only house in the neighborhood that has lights and discover… that other versions of themselves are suffering through the same mysteries and tensions they are. The movie spirals in on itself, but the improvisational-style of the filmmaking and the raw, almost amateur performances by its ensemble cast give the thing an edginess that cannot be easily shaken. As far as parties go, this one crafted by James Ward Byrkit in his directorial debut, is one I’d have skipped just based on who’d be in attendance, never minding the fact it results in violence and murder.
3.) Blade (1998)
Dir. Stephen Norrington
The rave sequence, while an awesome scene, is absolutely a party NO ONE would want to attend unless, you know, you’re a night-dweller with a sunlight allergy. In that case, the level of violent madness that ensues at the start of this early entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which is now hilariously been made canon by Wolverine & Deadpool, would more than satisfy. It’s a grisly scene, and I remember watching it in the theater and positively DREADING the predicament the naive partygoer had gotten himself into when he follows Traci Lords – yes, THE Traci Lords, here wearing a red wig and looking crazy hot in goth makeup – through a meat locker and into a techo dance party populated almost entirely by vampires. When the sprinklers start drenching the euphoric revelers in blood, our partygoer suddenly finds himself surrounded by hissing, crimson-coated vamps ready to sink their teeth into him. Instead, they start beating on him, punching and kicking him – maybe tenderizing their meat before they set to dine when, suddenly, the daywalker arrives… and all Hell breaks loose. If you haven’t seen Blade in a while – or ever – it’s definitely worth checking out. Blade 2 gets more of the attention because it was helmed by Guillermo del Toro, and Hell yes, it’s great. But this party scene in the first movie? It’ll forever be one that suprised the Hell out of me because I did NOT expect a comic book movie to go this hard.
2.) The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Dir. The Waschowskis
In a way, I find my number two sort of a descendent of my number 3. They’re both gross techno dance parties. But whereas Blade had blood, the rave sequence in the second Matrix sequel has mud. And sweat. And probably a whole lot of other bodily fluids. I don’t think we could do this list without mentioning this dirty and, from a narrative standpoint, completely random rave that happens the night before everyone in the real-world underground refuge that is Zion is likely going to be eliminated by the Sentinels. It’s a shockingly beige scene that made me yearn more to be a human battery for the machines than any other scene in the series. Just hook me back up to the Matrix, because life in Zion looked really, really sweaty and uncomfortable. Apparently this was Morpheus’s way of leading the last vestiges of the human race into prayer – by calling on some massive beats and letting everyone get their collective freak on. But all this scantily-clad writhing and cave-dwelling looks painfully silly when the Wachowski’s decide to show high overhead views of the crowds rendered in terrible-looking CG. Additionally, the scene does something else – it distracts from the central love story between Neo and Trinity as the scenes of them making love are intercut with the slow-motion slop-fest. I was at Lollapalooza ’92 in Mansfield, MA. I didn’t need to see it recreated on film.
1.) Bodies, Bodies, Bodies (2022)
Dir. Halina Reijn
Even before any of the murdery things start happening in Halina Reign’s directorial debut, Bodies Bodies Bodies, I was already certain this was a party I most certainly would not want to attend. The combination of grievances held by almost every member of this friend group and the introduction of some immediately untrustworthy strangers put me on edge. But their using an impending Hurricane as a reason to hunker down with seemingly limitless amounts of drugs and alcohol? Yeah… I guess I’m just too boring or too leery of drama to want to take part. But then the lights go out, the wifi dies and the party’s host – played by the usually unbearable, but here rather funny Pete Davidson – winds up with his throat slashed and hooooooooo-boy, we’ve got ourselves a hellparty for the ages. Essentially “And Then There Were None” if were directed as a TikTok, this movie is far better than that makes it sound thanks to an incredible cast of young actresses including Amandla Sternberg, Maria Bakalova and Myha’la Herrold. If you haven’t seen it, check it out, but if I were you, I’d avoid invitations to any Hurricane parties and instead, board up your windows and stay the fuck home.