Repo! The Genetic Opera
Mike, this wasn’t just a film wielded as a deadly weapon, this was a Jigsaw-level torture device; the kind of thing that doesn’t kill you mercifully, but instead prolongs your life so you can suffer more. And it’s not even the film’s fault. It’s me. You knew my weak spot with musicals and exploited it… exploited it like you were grand tree and I, an ailing sapling, withering in your tyrannical shadow. But just when I thought you might have finally found a way for me to tap out, I suddenly realized I’m no frail sprout. No, if you’ll allow this horrendously-chosen metaphor just a few more moments, Repo: The Genetic Opera made me an ever-strengthening vine, sir: an invasive, destructive, tree-choker who has learned how to survive, nay thrive(!) in shade even as dark as that of this horrendous movie. Cackle all you want, Merrigan, but this damage you so sweetly wished would break my will has done nothing but furthered my resolve to punish you with consecutive life sentences to be served in the darkest corners of cinema Hell. And there’s not a jury alive that’ll spare you after I lay out my case detailing how this… movie?… you forced upon me is the equivalent of something truly unforgivable, the kind of mean-spirited that only the most craven souls would inflict on another. You sir have crossed the Rubicon and while it might have seemed worth the risk now, I assure you the Ides of March await and I. Am. Brutus.
Bottom Five Musical Numbers:
5.) You’re My Rose – Kitra Williams
“You’re My Rose” in “The Room” is like the musical equivalent of trying to make a gourmet meal with a bag of marshmallows and a bottle of ketchup. This tune, while undoubtedly heartfelt in intention, delivers the cringe factor that makes “The Room” an absolute masterpiece of unintentional comedy. It’s first unveiled as the passionate soundtrack to a love scene, where you can’t help but wonder if the characters are sharing their deepest feelings or just rehearsing for a local karaoke competition. And then it reprises as the ending credits music, ensuring that as you leave the cinematic experience, your ears are serenaded by a song that will haunt your dreams (and nightmares) for years to come. Tommy Wiseau’s masterpiece wouldn’t be the same without it, and for that, we can all say, “You’re my rose, ‘The Room,’ and you’ve pricked us in the most entertaining way.”
It’s a musical gem that will forever be associated with the endearing train wreck that is “The Room,” and like a bizarre gift that keeps on giving, it has become an essential part of the film’s baffling charm. So, thank you, Kitra Williams, for gracing us with a song that will forever be etched in the annals of so-bad-it’s-good cinema.
4.) Secret Sanctuary – Odette Springer
Having worked in the b-movie industry as a music supervisor and singer for such cheeze classics as the original Fantastic Four and the epic Die-Hard-in-lingerie laugher Hard to Die, Odette Springer became a whistle-blower on the standards and practices of unapologetic producers such as Fred Olen Ray, Jim Wynorski, Andy Sidaris, and her frequent boss, Roger Corman. Her documentary Some Nudity Required exposed some of the more unsavory characteristics of the multi-million-dollar cult movie business, but really… we’re more interested in her musical ability.
While it’s all fine and dandy to bullhorn the obvious truths about the men behind T&A flicks, what really needs to be examined is Odette’s track record as a singer, and her 1991 track “Secret Sanctuary,” presents Odette the singer as a woman who can’t carry a note in a bag. Sad too, because the production seems nicely representative of the early 90’s schmaltz peddled by the likes of Tara Kemp and Belinda Carlisle. In other words, it would be listenable if better sung.
While Odette’s vocals on “Secret Sanctuary” are suspect, famous example of nepotism Talia Shire may not agree. Better known as Adrienne from the Rocky movies, Nicholas Cage’s aunt, Francis Ford Coppola’s sister, and Jason Schwartzman’s mom, Ms. Shire is the one-time director of the Roger Corman-produced One Night Stand a movie that sounds a lot more fun than it is. Starring the mid-90’s version Ally Sheedy, One Night Stand tells the tale of a woman who gets wild with a stranger one night, only to later discover that the stranger’s wife died under mysterious circumstances.
Whether it was Corman’s penny-pinching ways or Shire’s love for the tone deaf, “Secret Sanctuary” and another Springer-penned tune, “Oblivion” made their way onto the soundtrack for One Night Stand. Personally I prefer both songs’ appearance on Final Embrace, another Corman picture from 1992, as the cheeze value on that picture is so much more shocking. Alas most of those details are better left as backstory to “Oblivion,” which you can get here.
There is one story, however, that’s worthy of sharing about “Secret Sanctuary” specifically. In Final Embrace, Baywatch vet Nancy Valen plays a celebrity pop singer murdered in the prime of her career. One of the suspects is a not-so-talented blonde stand-by singer played by Linda Dona, who relishes the chance for her moment in the spotlight. Only thing is, she’s not really viewed as very good. While Nancy Valen did her own vocal work in the movie, singing mostly songs written by Odette Springer, Linda Dona didn’t sing note one during the music video sequence she stars in. That song would, of course, be “Secret Sanctuary” and the singer, of course, one Odette Springer.
Could it be that Ms. Springer’s “Secret Sanctuary” vocals were used to paint Linda Dona’s character as a sub-par fill-in for the deceased Nancy Valen? If so, this may be, in part, why Springer took aim at the hands that fed her when she made her b-movie-producer-skewering documentary.
Or it could just be that I have way too much time on my hands.
3.) Dreamcatcher End Credits – James Newton Howard
The music score of “Dreamcatcher” is a peculiar mix that mirrors the film’s own strange blend of genres and themes. Adapted from Stephen King’s novel, the film combines elements of science fiction, horror, and psychological drama. While the score composed by James Newton Howard has moments of atmospheric tension that work well in building suspense, it also exhibits an uneven quality that matches the film’s erratic narrative.
The inappropriate usage of techno music over the ending credits of the film is a striking example of this inconsistency. It’s almost as if a DJ snuck into the editing room and decided to host a rave in the middle of a horror movie. The sudden shift to a techno beat feels jarring and out of place, as it clashes with the eerie and ominous tone that was previously established. This creative choice might have been an attempt to inject energy into the ending, but it ultimately distracts from the film’s intended conclusion. In the end, it’s a musical choice that leaves the audience more puzzled than satisfied, further emphasizing the disjointed nature of “Dreamcatcher” as a whole.
2.) Ben – Michael Jackson (Willard)
“Ben,” the song that introduced us to the deep, emotional connection between a man and his rat… or rats, as “Willard” would have it. While the film “Willard” may be a cult classic in the creature-feature genre, the titular song is like the unsettling rodent anthem that nobody asked for. Michael Jackson crooning about his undying bond with an army of rats might be touching for a certain furry demographic, but it’s a bizarre addition to the soundtrack. As you listen to the song, you can’t help but wonder why on earth a film about a man who befriends rats needed an equally rat-tastic ballad to match. “Ben” may be an ode to friendship, but it’s a friendship you’d rather not bring home to meet your own furry pets.
1.) Princess Leia’s Life Day song – Carrie Fisher – The Star Wars Holiday Special
Ah, the “Life Day” song from the Star Wars Holiday Special, a true gem in the galaxy of bad musical moments. When Carrie Fisher belted out those heartfelt, off-key notes, it felt like a Wookiee was attempting to sing the alphabet backwards after a few too many glasses of blue milk. As if the Special itself wasn’t punishment enough, the “Life Day” song took us on a journey to the very edge of our tolerance for intergalactic cheer, like a hyperspace jump straight into a Sarlacc pit of holiday cringe. The lyrics were as baffling as the existence of Jar Jar Binks, and the performance had more forced smiles than a stormtrooper on crowd control duty. In a galaxy far, far away, perhaps the Force could’ve guided this musical moment to a less painful place, but for us on Earth, it’s just a reminder that even legends like Leia Organa have their off days, or in this case, “Life Days.”
So, if you ever find yourself with a sudden urge to embrace the joy of the holiday season, steer clear of the “Life Day” song, lest you want your ears to suffer more than Luke Skywalker did during his training with Yoda. In a galaxy where musical legends like John Williams composed the original Star Wars score, the “Life Day” song feels like a bizarre crossover episode with the Cantina Band gone awry. May the Force be with anyone brave enough to endure this cosmic cacophony of holiday cheer.