Brainscan
Jesus, this thing was a slog. I mean, I don’t think anyone is an Eddie Furlong fan but I’m intolerant of him in the same way I’m intolerant of dairy. Watching a movie with him in it causes cramps and before you know it, I’m clutching my ass in a panicked run to the can. He’s like the cinematic version of Olestra. What else can you say about an actor so garbage that he was actually fired before he even shot scene one of Terminator 3 and was replaced by Nick Stahl.
Anyway, thankfully we’re not here to discuss the horror-show that was his performance in the undeservedly-much-beloved T2, a movie kept afloat in the memories of filmgoers ages 35-50 by pure nostalgia. No, we’re here to chat about Brainscan, a 1994 sci-fi “horror” flick with a concept that maybe, kind of, could have worked, were it not for a painfully awful screenplay and a positively woeful, shameful, god-awfully amateur performance by Mr. Furlong.
I don’t know where to begin with this mess, but the story is as terrible a start as any. Furlong plays a spoiled brat, metalhead teenager named Michael who lost his mom in a violent car accident that randomly starts off the movie on an unnecessarily bleak note. Seriously, there’s no real reason for the graphic tragedy of Brainscan’s weird cold open, or really, the awkward limp Michael is saddled with for the rest of the movie. Props to Ed Fur, though, that limp is as good as he gets in this thing.
Anyhow, mom dies, and Michael becomes a moddy rich kid with a single workaholic dad that leaves him home alone all the time so he can listen to metal CDs, read Fangoria magazine and play video games using a dial-up version of Alexa called “Igor.” Oh yeah, and he also uses his camcorder to spy on AND RECORD the girl next store while she undresses far too seductively. These sequences take male gaze to a whole new level, just thoroughly lecherous. And I’m not sure what’s weirder, Furlong’s portrayal of a pervy peeping teenage tom or director John Flynn who put the whole sordid display onscreen as if we the viewers are supposed to find it sexy. Gross.
What is it about Furlong that his weird creeper and rich loner activities strike me as completely normal? He looks like the kind of person who would wear mirror shoes to a middle school dance. And so when his best friend Kyle mentions a new horror video game experience called Brainscan, which Michael also saw in the pages of Fango, his decision to dive right in and experience “the ultimate in fear” is the least worst thing you expect him to do. We’re lucky this clownshow wasn’t killing neighborhood pets and inscribing pentagrams into coeds.
Brainscan ends up being a first-person player virtual reality game in which you’re in the body of a murderer who decides to take out… some fucking totally random dude with a weird snake.
Live notes!
The insane repetition of everything in this movie is painful. The girl coming to the house yelling “Michael” outside his window. Furlong all sweaty. Frank Langella’s long stares. Hiding in an inch of cover while that damn German Shepard keeps showing up. The Aerosmith Get a Grip posters on people’s walls. The scantily clad neighbor girl being leered at in one of the more disturbing examples of male gaze in cinema.
And T Ryder Smith as Trixter! LOL
Jesus. This thing kicks off in a straight up ghastly way with the graphic death of a kids mom and his own broken leg. Pretty rough stuff and the most effective scene in the whole movie.
Jesus, did we really need to see the knee scars to know he was the little boy? TELEGRAPH much?
Hahaha. Love that Furlong flips through a copy of Fangoria back when it was still coool.
Hahah. I always pegged Furlong as a creeper. Grabs the video camera to spy on the teenage girl across the way?
She knowingly took her top off because she knew he was watching?!?
And then he plays BACK THE VIDEO? And rewatches it in slow motion? Jeebus. Oh wait, this is live? Then why is it in slow motion?! Like the phone call happens and is in read time, so why is she moving slow?
This is pretty pervy. Like, I feel for this young actress who must have been instructed to act seductive.
Igor – the 90s imagining of Alexa. Kind of cool, actually!
What the shit? How did they shock him through a chair?
Hahaha. Move they are watching at school is “Death Death Death!”
Erections don’t rape people. People rape people.
This principal has serious issues, man. Yikes. Horror movies = marijuana = rape?!
Horrible movies are an escape. I like that.
Please God. I was fearing the inevitable flashbacks and yep, here we go.
Frank Langella looks good!
Loving all the Fango stuff. Ha!
Absentee Dad on answering machine! Howdy Generation X!
Also loving all this old school high tech! And the fun 16 bit graphics!
This kids setup is bonkers! Is that a fucking widescreen tube TV circa 1993?!? What’s with all of the speakers around his TV? Looks like the beginning of Back to the Future. And that poll with bubbling water. The mini fridge? Fuuuuck.
This is so something 14 year-old me would have loved or written himself!
The camerawork and editing are fucking bonkers during the first murder scene. Weird framing and handheld moves in and out of subjects.
What does the “How bout that” loud music mean after sloppily gulping down a milk and getting it all over his chin? Does one need dairy and metal after watching a murder through the eyes of a killer?!
Parents in 80’s and 90’s movies just sit around reading in the middle of a day?
Holy shit. Furlong watching the newscast where he learns the murder was real is acting so horrifically bad that I’m shocked they left it in the movie.
Kid ducks the police line tape. For serious, bro?
Love how the victim’s foot has this absurd tattoo because we really wouldn’t know who’s foot it was if he found it in his fridge. Could have totally been someone else’s foot.
What the faahhhhhhhk? Things just got crazy when Tricter comes into the goddamn room from the TV.
Fucking makeup on Trixter is weirdly impressive.
His dancing, is not.
Fucking Furlong has no goddamn idea how to react to Trixter.
Yassssss! Animated electricity! My favorite.
“Hey I’ve done pretty well so far.” Quite a sudden about face after freaking out about murdering some dude. Furlong cannot act, but his character is written to say and do really stupid shit.
I would rather watch an entire movie about the dog that steals the foot.
How the fuck does the guy walking his dog miss Furlong under an inch of underbrush?
Almost every line of dialogue from Furlong is “Shiiit.”
I think early Kristin Stewart performances were modeled after Furlong’s work here. Big sighs, breathless delivery of lines that end up as whispers, awkward movement of limbs, and constant running of hands through hair.
Hahahaha. The way he ATTACKS the mail when he sees the Brainscan envelope with the second disc is fucking hilarious.
Trixter’s handling of the disc is so very cringe-inducing. The fingerprints!
Murder makes people very, very sweaty!
Seriously, we should do a Brainscan “shit” drinking game if we want to grab a rapid transit ticket to the grave.
Why does he reach out and touch the TV screen while watching the replay of his video.
Hahah. Check the fridge for victim parts! Ohs nos! Kyle!
Hahahaha. Langella is just standing around looking pensive. And is that the film’s director there at the crime scene staring at him awkwardly?
They never show the outside of this kids house except for the view to the girl next door, but holy shit, he’s on a lake or something. Goddamn! That’s some real estate.
Haha. Trixter is like fucking ET watching TV and eaten shit.
Oh man! Backward acting with the newspaper jumping into Trixter’s hand was so badass! Well played!
I love how there are zero rules. Like, yeah, the kids blood from a cut by a long fingernail spills onto a notebook and the wooosh, morphs into disc 3. Haha.
Trixter’s teleportation trick is like some bastard version of Quantum Leap.
oh dear god no. Not a sex scene. Please God no.
Langella just enters Michael’s house and gathers ashes from the fireplace like “ain’t no thang.”
The fucking principal wears his bow tie to the neighborhood watch. Wow. Nothing is more imposing than tweed and a plaid tie. All he needs is a monocle.
The director second cop randomly becomes a character and has a British flag at his house.
What are the rules in this movie? What the fuck even is Trixter?! Who is murdering people? Furlong’s character, Michael, or Trixter?
This hiding under an inch of forest bed is working out great for Furlong. He’s apparently made of camo.
The goddamn limp. Why is it necessary? Seriously. A reason. Please?
Another dog, another tiny bit of cover. Wait, the same dog? Jesus, this movie.
Holy shit, director cop just got blasted by drunk neighbor yahoo while the principal was crushed by bricks. This fucking movie is straight up batshit!
Langella’s delivery is one octave lower than what’s audible to the human ear.
this isn’t a game anymore. This is crime. This is lots of Crime! You said it Eddie.
How can a person who appears half asleep in every scene play sleepy so poorly. Every single thing this kid does lacks authenticity.
The insane repetition of everything in this movie is painful. The girl coming to the house yelling “Michael” outside his window. Furlong all sweaty. Frank Langella’s long stares. Hiding in an inch of cover while that damn German Shepard keeps showing up. The Aerosmith Get a Grip posters on people’s walls. The scantily clad neighbor girl being leered at in one of the more disturbing examples of male gaze in cinema.
Oh that early CG though! Kind of adore i when Trixter eats Michael’s head.
Hahaha. She’s a creep too!
Like that is some serious police work. Just walk in and bang, shoot the suspect.
There was zero need for the mom death and his limp and everything set up at the beginning of the movie. Like why did Brainscan not go into that trauma? But instead they create this whole murder of some random dude.
Slow motion ransacking of sweet pad. Such Fuckery!
Turns into “can’t hardly wait” at the end.
everything with this movie is so ass backward. Kid gets his first kiss and it’s revelatory and a big deal, but the preceding 90 minutes were all about murder and violence. Yup.
Holy shit. Why was there not another one!!?
A credits cutscene?! Truly way ahead of it’s time!
Written by Andrew Kevin Walker.
So This is what the writer of Se7en and the director of Sylvester Stallone’s “Lock Up” get us. Ok.
Hahaha. This says it all: “Director John Flynn did not get along with Edward Furlong during filming. He later recalled, “Eddie Furlong was a 15-year-old kid who couldn’t act. You had to slap him awake every morning. I don’t want to get into knocking people, but I was not a big Eddie Furlong fan.”
Bottom Five Games
Statues – The Orphanage – 2007 JA Bayona. Produced by Guillermo Del Toro
Poker – The Quick and the Dead -1987 – Sam Raimi.
Chess – The Seventh Seal – 1957 – Ingmar Bergman
Hide and Go Seek – Ready or Not – 2019 – Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillet
Russian Roulette – The Deer Hunter -1979 – Michael Cimino
Staff Pick
Everything Everywhere All at Once – Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert – THe Dnaiels
Mike’s movie
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier – Directed by William Shatner – 1989